2018 is the first year I feel stuck, and that's okay



Let's go back to May 2014. My senior year of high school is over and I'm going to college in Chicago in a few months. I'm convinced with every bone in my body I wasn't meant to finish school, I want to go ahead and begin my career as a filmmaker. My parents steer into the academic direction and I attend college for a year. I meet a bunch of creatives who I still work with today and I fall in love with the city of Chicago, The future has never seem brighter. I get an internship at Chicago streetwear staple "Jugrnaut" and begin going there almost every day after class and making visual content with them and I just met someone else who moved to Chicago, Cole Bennett, who is doing effects heavy videos and just came off the launch of his new brand, Lyrical Lemonade. These experiences alone + my new relationships with my friends Rannel and Kiraly and Cole are making this "school" experience not so bad. Class isn't fun, but I know that's fine cause I'm grinding outside of class. 30+ projects later and I decide school isn't for me and I leave in 2015.

May 2015: I just moved into a new loft downtown in Chicago and am just living a somewhat normal 19 year old life. I'm not going out, I'm not partying, I'm not dating. I'm just working. All of my goals are set out and clear. I'm traveling, making money and just focusing on ME. I accomplish every goal and continue to thrive and grow. 4 months later I get a call, someone wants to manage me.

May 2016: I'm packing my bags and moving to LA. I have an agent, an apartment in LA, and so many goals I don't know which to complete first because I'm so geeked with excitement. My homie Hunter Gulan is the only person I know in LA and we are working on some incredible things. My manager is getting me great jobs and I'm feeling blessed.

May 2017: We just wrapped a shoot in Downtown and are leaving from lunch, my director Chris's car was just broken into. All gear is stolen and we have nothing. Luckily, all gear is insured and we get all of it back. It's just a small roadblock and we keep going. I meet some amazing people but this year is ending differently. I don't feel so fire-y with creativity and passion anymore. I feel almost at a block with myself mentally.

May 2018: I just came off a shoot with Post Malone and couldn't be happier. I just switched camera systems and I'm trying to expand to a new tier of work. I spent the last 3 years doing rap and hip hop videos but I can't do these anymore. They are burning my creativity and my drive. The lack of originality is not something I want my name reflected on. As I look back at 2014-2017 all my goals were clear. Leave school, start a company, get clients, maintain clients, move to LA, get an apartment, etc. These are all clear to me but now it feels like a road with no signs. Just a linear path with no guidance or direction. It's a strange feeling and I can't seem to figure out why. I know I've felt something like this before but not where I feel stuck or even lost. I look at my calendar and I'm booked up till August and for some reason that does not fill this void. It's like I'm not chasing something that I used too. For the last 3 years I was just having fun and now I feel as if I got to "serious" about everything and forgot to just say "F*** it, I'm just going to enjoy it". It might be because I'm about to be 23 and to me that is an age I have implanted in my head that life should be figured out and not feeling lost. I understand not of that is true but that's how I'm wired. I'm not used to progressing, progressing, progression, braking. I'm used to an uphill climb that results in progress. I feel like I made it to the first "big" mountain and I can see the next one far away, I'm just not sure how to get there. I have a map with the final location but no directions or guidance. Just an idea of where it could be.


I understand in my life I will have failures, I will have heartache, I will have depression, I will have times that I don't feel 100%. I've felt all of those before. The best part about having those feelings is that I overcame them and found an answer or at least a signal or calling after going through it. The worst part about where I'm at now is that it's about my career and I've never felt stuck in that. It has always been a climb or large steps. Maybe this is my sign though, maybe it's time for me to reflect on everything and think about it. Not just think future and past, think present, Think about what I can do now to make things appear on my roadmap and just look behind or ahead for direction. I know it will come and I'm happy to be apart of the ride.


Visual SZNComment