Ever since I left school in 2015 my head has been set to overthink and is always focusing in on the past with "what I did wrong, and how I could've fixed it." I always look back thinking about the thousands of way I could've fixed a product or made a client have a better experience. This is good but the past is the past and shouldn't be this contained in your head. The typical answer to this is to forget about it/learn from your mistakes and move on from it. This is totally correct but not how I operate mentally. I always have been an over thinker and someone who could be labeled as nostalgic person. I'm even writing this while out of town in Chicago for a shoot and I've walked around downtown already thinking about my past time here and how memorable it was. My brain stays in this "past" life. It's something I can't fix, but I like it.
While I stay in this head space I often think about my past relationships. Not just romantic ones with girls but just human relationships with everyone I've met and who I've built some sort of organic bond with. I just think back to how good of a friend I was. Did I treat them fairly? Was I loyal? Was I a positive role model? These are all things I put into consideration, and sometimes I don't like the answers to these questions. There are some people I was a total asshole to and others I held a great friendship with. It's always interesting looking back and seeing "what went wrong?" or "what went right?"
Right now with the girl I'm dating I try to ask similar questions. "Am I being the best version of myself?" or "Am I making her a better person and is she doing the same for me?". Questions like these are important and are a gauge of how a relationship is going. I try to ask these questions more, instead of think about it when I look back on it when its over and I can't figure out what happened. I sometimes put myself in a rut looking back and asking these questions. Transparency in the present is always the best.
Whether it's personal or business, I hate burning bridges or disappointing people. This is what feeds on my brain. It could be a "you are better than this" or a simply "I'm not happy" that gets to me. I think about the million ways I could've fixed it and what went wrong and how it makes me look and feel. I know this can be seen as over thinking like crazy but again, it's how my brain works. It's not just a simple "get over it and move on" and I know that works for some but I feel like that can be immature at times. I think it's important to look back and reflect and think about what happened and what could've been adjusted so that you know for future scenarios that share a similar blueprint to whatever situation you're currently in.
Although this all sounds like it's coming from a pessimistic standpoint it's not. I think I just care about my integrity and what weighs on my conscious more than anything. I care about what people think and how it looks. Although a 22 year old isn't going to have all of this figured out I get that, but the positive part is recognizing it and seeing what could be fixed. Sometimes I think that fix is a long game and not just one conversation you have with yourself. It's something deeper than that. It's looking at yourself and saying "how can I be the best version of myself" or "What did I do that made me not who I wanna be perceived as". These are important questions and the answers hold the same if not more weight to them.
It's about how perception in this world. No matter if it's the viewpoint from your parents, your girl, your friends. It's all one within the same. It's all how you hold yourself and what you can do to make yourself a better human being. Even with my mindset I try this and I'm getting better. I don't think I'll ever be the the one who brushes off these things easily but then again, who doesn't wanna have conversations on how to improve yourself.